Fear. So much fear. It lies to me. Fear is a liar. It tells me I’m alone when I’m in a room of people who truly love me. It tells me I’m ugly when I’m God’s perfect Creation. It tells me there is no way i could ever earn love when I don’t have to earn anything.
Fear reminds me that staying hidden and quiet and alone is safe. And safe is fears biggest lie to me.
But to pretend i can hide (out of fear) is to live in fear. If people knew i live in fear they wouldn’t like me, i wouldn’t ‘measure up’. Hiding is safer. Safe…
I want to feel safe. Many times i would rather feel safe then loved. I seek the lie of safety rather then the truth of love.
The truth is… All i have to do is receive. Receive Love, Grace, my gifts, Peace… The problem is i can’t hold on to the lie that i have to earn love AND receive His love at the same time.
And the journey to let go of my self (earning, deserving, getting, feeling safe) goes on.
Over the last few years I’ve found there are ‘normal’ things that are hard for me to do. I realize I’m not special in this. My things may be different then other peoples and they are things I think should come easily. One of those is asking for what I want and need. I get scared and when I sink deep into that fear and let myself fully feel it I realize those fears are not real and I can dive into them knowing that my story is once again trying to protect me.
My story says that I can’t ask because if anyone knows what I really want it will be taken from me. It’s showing my hand/cards and will be used to punish me. My story also says that I’m not worth getting what I want. I cannot ask because I need to work for what I have. Gifts do not come without strings and if I accept your gift you could pull those strings at anytime and I will be hurt – my heart will be hurt.
To let myself ask is to let down the self protective wall I have built around me from the many experiences of being hurt. And to let myself receive (even if that’s receiving a no) is to let you speak truth into my story. The truth that I AM worth loving.
Coming to the end of myself, my power, feeling my powerlessness and accepting it fully allows me to have all power. The only power that is worth having. Receiving my power allows me to dance my life without trying or worrying about who controls anything. It allows me to stop grasping and let my whole being bask in the full access of this power.
I no longer worry about pleasing or impressing people – there is no one to impress. The only one who truly matters is my Creator and He knows me intimately and there is no need to show off or earn anything.
I receive. His Love, His Power, His Grace. As I own my own power I’m noticing people trying to give me theirs, trying to make me more and better, giving me control in their life. The answer to their perceived gift is no. I cannot take power from anyone because who you get your power from is where you get your worth.
I can only speak His love into, I cannot be the source of that love. I can pass on what He has overwhelmed me with, I can believe the worth He has spoken over you and speak that when you cannot believe it for yourself. But part of owning myself as His child is not owning anyone or anything else.
My story says I am alone. I can trust no one. I am a commodity to be used. My story in me looks around and says “I am not like ____ so I am not measuring up”.
My story knows that no matter how hard I try I will never feel like I fit in. And at the same time my story also says that if I try harder and do more things better that one day it will happen. I will feel like I belong, that I fit in, I finally made the popular crowd. I’m liked and no one is judging me.
My story also yells that I’m too different, too much, too crazy, too sarcastic, not enough, my childhood was too different and my life too insane to fit in.
My story is a liar. It speaks what I learned from 30 years of experience (almost 31) and plays it over and over in my brain trying to protect me. In it’s own way – trying to love me. But love me only to protect itself. Not the person I am now.
My story is true – it all happened – but it lies to me. Just because it happened before doesn’t mean it will happen again. Because now I see my story as my story, as what my brain yell at me but is not true of my life now. Because I have chosen to parent myself (my child self inside of me) and listen and hear it’s fears and then to speak love to it and myself (and let others speak love to me).
This is the only way I can describe the last month.
Strength Let Go
I feel the weakness deep inside me
My strength let go in tears and pain
Feeling raw, my self bleeds open
My naked self poured out in shame.
Cover me, please God, this pain…
I cannot hide – my heart feels broken.
This pain to deep for spoken words
But the only thing to do is feel it.
The strength I hid behind is gone
Not by force, but Grace, was taken
My soul stands up in celebration
Hopes loud echo calls me forth
From this place of empty being
I face the shadows of my past
The fears and longings – shame comes calling
Terror presses my hearts thick coating
Choosing to believe – my past is not my enemy
My self still yells it’s cry for power
And yet the gifts I see around me
His love is filling my whole being
I found my heart is bursting open
Not ashamed to feel it’s pain
Not afraid to speak my freedom
Feeling life explode within me.
A journal entry from last weekend:
I don’t want to be open and empty and beloved. I don’t want this life. Loving people – No. Being loved. Being loved. That I don’t want.
Because… I have to accept it. Believe it. Trust that I’m not full of shit when I know I am.
I AM full of shit. And deep inside I also know I’m… loved.
Letting myself see and accept love, that I am beloved and adored means allowing the potential to be abandoned.
If I let people see my heart, if I let my guard down, if I give my heart… will I be abandoned? Like I have been so many times in the past.