This morning I was mindlessly scrolling through facebook adding my opinion where it didn’t belong and reading linked articles. One of them got me thinking about women and the ‘get out of my way, I will do what I want, you can’t control me’ attitude.
Sunday I ate food I know I’m allergic to. I knew when I ate it and I still did. Today I realized I subconsciously let myself. I self sabotaged.
When I was a child I learned to handle living in a very controlled environment by causing myself pain-sometimes physical and sometimes emotional. The point was to feel something. Eventually it lead to addictions that lasted many many years.
I don’t do those things anymore. Its been long road but I’m slowly finding healing from those damaging addictions.
I’ve always looked like a good girl and even now I’m still the good girl. I don’t even let myself pluck my eyebrows or wax when I’m mad or needing to release pain. Because i can’t let myself go there. To that pain.
Yet I still find ways to make myself feel miserable. I eat food I know my body can’t handle, or i attack people I love.
The first step for me is realizing it. And the second step is telling people.
If you can identify with any of this know you’re not alone. Healing from addictions and self abuse isn’t easy. Many have traveled it and many of us are on the road right now.
It’s mothers day. I’m not a Mom. But i am female. My body is female. I have all the parts that could make me a Mom. But i have no offspring. Nothing that says ‘i have used my body to produce a child’. I’m reminded of this monthly when my body cleans itself out.
I don’t think of this a lot. But today i do. All day. Friday the mail lady said ‘if you’re a Mom Happy Mothers day.’ I said ‘I’m not’ and smiled. I didn’t smile on the inside.
This morning i called my Mom to say ‘i love you’. We chatted over family gossip and out of no where she said ‘Happy Mothers Day’. With those 3 words she dissolved me to tears. It was unexpectedly one of the most meaningful things my Mom has said to me. Because she acknowledged me on her level… A woman. A Mom. Her equal.
I Love you Mom.
And Happy Mothers Day.