“It’s not the pain that scares us – it’s delight. It isn’t our abuse that most terrifies us – it is comfort.” – Dan Allender
I’ve lived in the pain and abuse and trauma for decades. But now that people are in my life who love me and are delighting in and comforting me… HELL to the no!!
Because I’m starting to realize what I was supposed to have as a child and now that I’m ‘awakening’ I have to not just accept the love being offered but also mourn the love that wasn’t offered to me as a child. The same goes for comfort and delight.
It’s easier to push the love, comfort, delight away then to deal with the memories and fully accept how much I wasn’t loved (and delighted in and comforted) as a child.
Love scares me. But comfort scares me more. I don’t want comfort.
I’m self sufficient. I’m strong. I take care of myself. And when I’m hurting and in pain I also take care of myself… I’ve always had to.
To admit I’m weak is a huge deal. But to let someone else into the place of my pain… that vulnerability is unimaginable to me. The chance of being hurt or rejected or given a religious answer is so painful to even think about that I physically withdrawal. So closing off and not allowing myself to be vulnerable in my pain is much easier.