Monthly Archives: October 2013

Dear Little Girl

This summer I read the book ‘Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing your inner child’ by John Bradshaw. At first it felt weird, but a few weeks after I finished the book I started writing to my inner child. She is 3 (usually) and is very inquisitive. Always asking questions but understands things clearly if they are explained (as most 3 years do). 
 
 Last week I wrote something to myself that I’m sharing with you. Usually I start with ‘how are you’ but this time I wanted it to be more anonymous. Just to tell the child in me how special she is. 
 
Dear little girl, 
My name is Michelle, we share names! How awesome is that? you are so cute. I love your pigtails and innocent smiles. I love watching you play and laugh. 
 
I wish I could change the next 20 years of your life but I know that this path has been chosen for you and is something no one can ‘save’ you from. I don’t know what’s on the other other side yet – I can’t tell you. I know that you are so brave, you are strong, you carry a lot of influence and power in you. 
 
You don’t understand how important your childhood is – I don’t even know. But I know it’s so huge. You learn a lot of thing about yourself that aren’t true but don’t worry – you work through them eventually. 
 
You are beautiful, you are smart, you belong, there is nothing about you that is a mistake. I can’t go back and change anything for you. But I do get to eventually replace memories and feelings. We get to experiences life together, again. 
 
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Rest in Love

I’ve known since I was a child that God loved me, that Jesus died for me on a cross, that satan is bad and that I have to do certain things to be good enough… to be loved, to get noticed, to be liked.
And I worked so hard. If I did everything I was told and lots more I would get praised – and my young ego figured out that doing = attention = love.
God loves me – I follow all the rules, I get attention and then I get love.
By the time I was 5 I had also figured out that pain = love. Discipline, usually spanking, meant I was loved. By 5 I was doing things specifically to get punished and feel loved.
As an adult I still do this… I still work for love. I try to get people to like me, I work hard to look good.
Sometimes God stops me and whispers ‘I love you. Yes you. No, you did not earn it. You can’t. I just love you. While you are angry at me, while you are not talking to me, while you are yelling at me – I love you. You can’t change that. You are my Daughter and I love you!’
There is nothing for me to do but stop and rest in that.

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I reach out, I touch, I sense, I feel. I cry, I trust that my feelings will be held in the space and valued. I open my heart slowly and deliberately, sharing my secrets, my faults, my shit. Talking about my passions, my dreams, my hopes.

While asking God that I stay connected enough to see past me, to reach out and touch and hold and see past outward walls and barriers.
 
At times screaming in the pain of releasing my stuff, things I believe essential to my survival and learning the only thing I need is Him.
 
Thinking I’ve learned, I have it, I’m there. To fall on my face, seeing me rise up in me, human, failing, self. Crawling back to the place of rest, of peace, of opening myself, my hands, my heart to be what He has called me to become.
 
Falling, every moment, into waiting arms, strong enough to hold but always willing to let me go. Knowing I am unable, in any way to understand, to get with my self centered mind, this path, the journey, the adventure, and willing to rest, trusting my Maker, fully aware of my humanity and desperateness, with everything I am.
 
This life, this path, I choose, willing, not being forced or bribed or guilted into, not making excuses for or against, not defending to both friends and passers in my life. Willing to take this path.
 
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Forgiveness and Passion

Forgiving has nothing to do with to person I forgive. They don’t have to and won’t change. I just release myself to live without blaming, without needing them to be anything for me. It’s choosing to live in the present instead of blaming my present on my past. It’s a continual choice – not a one time decision. I choose to forgive in circumstance and events for the rest of my life. I choose forgiveness. I choose to take responsibility for my life. I choose not to blame. I choose to love without holding back. I choose to give grace. I choose not to use people as my enemy.
 
This morning I was reading Brennen Mannings book ‘Abba’s Child. This book is becoming a gentle poke when I’m wondering off trail. This morning was no different. 🙂
“The recovery of passion begins with the recovery of my true self as the beloved. If I find Christ I will find myself and if I find my true self I will find Him.”