Rest in Love

I’ve known since I was a child that God loved me, that Jesus died for me on a cross, that satan is bad and that I have to do certain things to be good enough… to be loved, to get noticed, to be liked.
And I worked so hard. If I did everything I was told and lots more I would get praised – and my young ego figured out that doing = attention = love.
God loves me – I follow all the rules, I get attention and then I get love.
By the time I was 5 I had also figured out that pain = love. Discipline, usually spanking, meant I was loved. By 5 I was doing things specifically to get punished and feel loved.
As an adult I still do this… I still work for love. I try to get people to like me, I work hard to look good.
Sometimes God stops me and whispers ‘I love you. Yes you. No, you did not earn it. You can’t. I just love you. While you are angry at me, while you are not talking to me, while you are yelling at me – I love you. You can’t change that. You are my Daughter and I love you!’
There is nothing for me to do but stop and rest in that.

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About Michelle

I'm Michelle. I'm an extrovert city girl who grew up in the beautiful farm country of the East Coast and moved to Houston Texas 6 years ago. Stepping out, being known and letting myself be seen are some of the scariest and most frightening things I’ve done and that's what my blog is about. View all posts by Michelle

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