Monthly Archives: November 2013

The past does not define me

A few months ago i wrote several things about my childhood. They are still here, unedited. And will most likely stay posted here. 
Many people have asked me if I think my parents wanted the best for me. Or if i think they were out to hurt me.

The truth its that I’ve come to a place where it doesn’t matter. Those are not answers i need.

My childhood and past does not define who i am. I don’t understand it yet but I’m coming to believe that my past is what i need for the life God has for me.

Of you are screaming at me right now because of that last sentence i completely get it. I did the same.

My past does not allow me to demand i be treated special or different. I enter into potentially triggering and hurtful situations open and vulnerable, knowing that my reaction is based on issues in my life and heart and not on the people or events surrounding me.

I’m not glorifying or saying pain or hurt is good, or even that my childhood was good. i believe God is good and that He loves me.  I can rest in His love and trust that my past is not in vain.

 


Listen

 

So soft, so quiet
I hear Him speak
It’s loud and clear
Deep in my heart

Things I’m afraid of
And want to ignore
But His whispers so loudly
I cannot deny

If I could explain 
It would not be God
If I understood
It would not take faith

And yet, it’s not blind
My eyes clearly see
Not the eyes of the world
But those in my heart

These eyes clearly see
That I really don’t know
Of the plans made for me
By my Father above

The fight in my heart
To obey or to not
Is not something I win
But what I must feel

I feel the fear 
And the doubt
I wonder if God
Really speaks to my heart

There is no explaining
No figuring out
It never makes sense 
In my unconscious mind

God, in His love
Never forces my heart
But holding my hand
Leads my self to the cross

I see my self die
Time and again
To things that I want
Things my self thinks I need

Then I say ‘yes’ 
To the voice in my heart
Not fully knowing
The journey or end

I step out and do
I speak up and say 
Specks of fear still remain 
Not controlling – but there

In my heart speaks that voice
That I know is my God
And I trust the Unknown
And step into His Grace 


Feel

There are days when I stop, overwhelmed with the love I feel from people I know care deeply about me. 

 In the last year as I’ve fallen head first into community and discovering real friendships it’s brought me to tears many times. 
 
When I sit across from a friend and look deeply into their eyes and feel the pain they are in, or let them see my pain, my heart and my hurts – In those moment I feel love. 
 
When I let the tears flow and my heart show to people I trust… I feel love. 
 
When I tell the deepest secrets of my life and feel the pain and the shame in my heart, a physical pain of being exposed… and I let myself be covered in love and grace and let myself feel peace… I feel love. 
 
When I want to run and hide because I’m so scared of facing myself and how I’m reacting and what I’m believing about myself… and I stay and speak of my shame and own my hiding and running and I’m told ‘Thank you’ and ‘I love you’ and ‘you are not alone’… I feel love. 
 
When I sit in front of someone and tell them difficult things and receive love and acceptance from them… I feel love. 
 
When I stop and let my heart feel the hurt and pain of my past and the pain of relationship and community. And reach out and ask for my heart and self to be held and kept in that moment of pain… I feel love. 
 
I feel… 
Feel…. 
Stop, 
Empty my mind, 
My brain, 
And feel… 
With my heart. 
My self. 
My longings. 
Feel lonely. 
Feel desire. 
Feel hurts. 
Feel love. 
I let myself feel. 

 
Image

The Detour

 

 

I took a detour to myself  

To my fears and doubts in my mind

To my feelings of hopelessness and hurt

Of pain and confusion and shame

 

I took a detour to the self 

That yells and screams for his own way

That feeds on being right

Sobbing at the unfairness of life

 

This detour took me down a path of giving in to me 

Of what i want and think I need

It put ‘me’ in front of ‘you’ and ‘Him’. 

In front of Love and Truth and Peace.

 

And ‘I’ liked it. ‘I’ loved it

And me? He felt in charge. 

Finally free to be in control of ‘self’ and life

And that freedom it’s denied.

 

The detour had signs that said ‘run’, and ‘hide’.

‘You are alone’ and ‘no one cares’. 

Those signs seemed true in my self-ish brain. 

And it felt great and I let my pain reign. 

 

Soon my detour came to a round about. 

And around and around and around I went. 

Until confusion and terror 

Were ruling my mind. 

 

That choice to stop, 

To not try to control, 

To acknowledge my freedom 

In the midst of my detour. 

 

It would mean losing, not winning. 

Not striving, not trying. 

Being. Not doing. 

 

Being true to myself, showing up, 

Seeing pain not my own. 

My mind yelled it’s protest 

As I slowed to a stop. 

 

And I let my pain go and then felt the hurt. 

Screaming and sobbing in anguish and tears, 

I let myself see there were signs I’d denied. 

 

A sign said to breath… 

To feel that my body and mind 

Could relax into rhythm

And release all the tension I had bottled inside.  

 

Another said listen. So I stopped and I heard 

My heart beating softly without effort or trying. 

My body just knew on it’s own how to work. 

I didn’t need to figure anything out. 

 

The next sign said ‘sink’. 

I stared and I blinked. 

‘Sink into what??” my brain tried to conceive. 

Breathing and hearing I kept slowing down

Until I found myself deep, very deep down inside. 

 

Inside of myself. 

Of my being, my soul. 

Of that part of me that knows

I don’t have control. 

 

That voice inside 

That I try to ignore

But it keeps yelling truth 

Past my mind – to my soul. 

 

Then I felt something churning and filling my self. 

That self that just moment before had felt terror

Was now feeling ‘self’ dissolving away. 

 

I looked in it’s place and saw things painful and raw. 

Things the detour I’d taken 

Had brought into the light. 

Things like my pride. And my ego. 

Ambitions and fears.

 

I took a step back with tears on my face, 

These tears not of anger – 

But of remorse and of grief. 

 

I saw how my ‘self’ 

Had hurt people I love. 

People who’ve seen through the ‘self’ to my soul.  

 

Through the tears and the ‘sorrys’ 

‘Forgive mes’ and hugs. 

I saw with a start that I knew where I was. 

 

It didn’t feel as it had

Before my ‘self’ detour. 

It felt truer and safer 

And good to be home. 

 

I saw my road leads to mountains, 

Through valleys, and hills. 

And noticed the detours 

That peppered the trails. 

 

This one was harder, 

Harder then some. 

I guess I could focus 

On detours and failures. 

 

On ‘what ifs’ and ‘oh nos’. 

I could keep my eyes fixed

On the sides of the road. 

 

But I choose to be brave, 

To embrace the real me. 

To find her and love her 

And set her soul free.