The Detour

 

 

I took a detour to myself  

To my fears and doubts in my mind

To my feelings of hopelessness and hurt

Of pain and confusion and shame

 

I took a detour to the self 

That yells and screams for his own way

That feeds on being right

Sobbing at the unfairness of life

 

This detour took me down a path of giving in to me 

Of what i want and think I need

It put ‘me’ in front of ‘you’ and ‘Him’. 

In front of Love and Truth and Peace.

 

And ‘I’ liked it. ‘I’ loved it

And me? He felt in charge. 

Finally free to be in control of ‘self’ and life

And that freedom it’s denied.

 

The detour had signs that said ‘run’, and ‘hide’.

‘You are alone’ and ‘no one cares’. 

Those signs seemed true in my self-ish brain. 

And it felt great and I let my pain reign. 

 

Soon my detour came to a round about. 

And around and around and around I went. 

Until confusion and terror 

Were ruling my mind. 

 

That choice to stop, 

To not try to control, 

To acknowledge my freedom 

In the midst of my detour. 

 

It would mean losing, not winning. 

Not striving, not trying. 

Being. Not doing. 

 

Being true to myself, showing up, 

Seeing pain not my own. 

My mind yelled it’s protest 

As I slowed to a stop. 

 

And I let my pain go and then felt the hurt. 

Screaming and sobbing in anguish and tears, 

I let myself see there were signs I’d denied. 

 

A sign said to breath… 

To feel that my body and mind 

Could relax into rhythm

And release all the tension I had bottled inside.  

 

Another said listen. So I stopped and I heard 

My heart beating softly without effort or trying. 

My body just knew on it’s own how to work. 

I didn’t need to figure anything out. 

 

The next sign said ‘sink’. 

I stared and I blinked. 

‘Sink into what??” my brain tried to conceive. 

Breathing and hearing I kept slowing down

Until I found myself deep, very deep down inside. 

 

Inside of myself. 

Of my being, my soul. 

Of that part of me that knows

I don’t have control. 

 

That voice inside 

That I try to ignore

But it keeps yelling truth 

Past my mind – to my soul. 

 

Then I felt something churning and filling my self. 

That self that just moment before had felt terror

Was now feeling ‘self’ dissolving away. 

 

I looked in it’s place and saw things painful and raw. 

Things the detour I’d taken 

Had brought into the light. 

Things like my pride. And my ego. 

Ambitions and fears.

 

I took a step back with tears on my face, 

These tears not of anger – 

But of remorse and of grief. 

 

I saw how my ‘self’ 

Had hurt people I love. 

People who’ve seen through the ‘self’ to my soul.  

 

Through the tears and the ‘sorrys’ 

‘Forgive mes’ and hugs. 

I saw with a start that I knew where I was. 

 

It didn’t feel as it had

Before my ‘self’ detour. 

It felt truer and safer 

And good to be home. 

 

I saw my road leads to mountains, 

Through valleys, and hills. 

And noticed the detours 

That peppered the trails. 

 

This one was harder, 

Harder then some. 

I guess I could focus 

On detours and failures. 

 

On ‘what ifs’ and ‘oh nos’. 

I could keep my eyes fixed

On the sides of the road. 

 

But I choose to be brave, 

To embrace the real me. 

To find her and love her 

And set her soul free. 

 

 

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About Michelle

I'm Michelle. I'm an extrovert city girl who grew up in the beautiful farm country of the East Coast and moved to Houston Texas 6 years ago. Stepping out, being known and letting myself be seen are some of the scariest and most frightening things I’ve done and that's what my blog is about. View all posts by Michelle

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