I said yesterday that 6 months ago my ‘journey’ started (the part that I felt – it started long before that). Gosh. I’m doing my own freak out today. And stopping. Falling back/letting go into what seems nothingness to me. All while yelling at God ‘YOU BETTER HAVE THIS!!! Because I’m at the end’.
December 30, 2013
Even though I wrote this in an email to a friend several months ago it’s still true.
I feel like I’m living in a world where I grew up clinging to the cliffs scared of falling off. Doing everything to anchor myself in to make myself feel safe (hello rules and legalism).
And God asks me to let go of all the rules and wanting to feel safe and just. let. go. But I still look down and see nothing so (like when you try to float on water instead of just letting yourself ‘be’) I TRY REALLY HARD! And keep falling while I’m trying to look good and impress people while I flail past cussing at God and anyone who says they believe in Him. Sometimes I’m laughing at myself because I know I look completely ridiculous but I don’t want to stop because I would have to stop trying and rest in NOTHING and that is scary because I have no control. And sometimes I don’t want God to be right.
Letting go. Of what I want (to be right. to be liked.). Letting myself feel the fear (which sometimes I create), letting the shame go, letting life be not about me…
That happened last night on the way to pick up (a friend). Feeling fear – what the hell God?? Realizing I was feeling what the girl in me felt when all the girls didn’t like me. I was that kid that got picked on and never invited anywhere (not being included hurts deeply). Last night was this crazy talking to God thing where I just let go of wanting to be liked and popular and settled in being me. And I knew it was true when, later in the night, she was talking smack while playing checkers (it was the funniest thing ever watching us play) and I was so aware that she is me and I’m learning to just let myself go.
I’m reminded of this video. I feel like the last little boy who’s not quite sure what he’s seeing but wants it so bad.