Normal people. What are normal people? We all have our own definitions but for me a normal person is one who did not grow up in the home school religious group that I did.
Why is that normal? Because I look at myself at not normal. I’m not a normal person.
I see myself is different, not to be included in the outside world. Outside world? You know, with the normal people.
I have be separate. Divided. Not included. Because somehow I believe that you cannot know me and if you could you would not be able to handle me. I am to much for you. You will become scared and run off and I’ll be alone. Again. I believe this because I have experienced it. Many times. Not once. Not twice. Many times.
I belong with ‘my kind’. The people who get my lingo, my language, my reasoning. People who don’t push me past my limits. Who leave me where they found me because they are there too. We stand together in life not going anywhere. But at least we understand each other.
Even if we wanted to go anywhere, to progress, to move, we look around and see we would have to move away from the people who understand us into ‘normal’. And you are scary. You don’t dress like I do. I don’t know your music. I don’t know those movies. I feel like the ‘one that doesn’t belong’. I want to fit into your world so badly but I don’t know how.
I don’t know how… to be myself. To be anything besides fake. I want to look ‘normal’ so I try to put on your clothes, dance to your music, watch your movies but it feels weird and I feel like I don’t fit. I find myself wondering back to the people I grew up with, who at least understand me.
But I realize I don’t fit there either now. You have polluted me!! How could you??? And now I’m mad at you. You made me like fun music. And I’m quoting that movie. My not-normal friends look at me like I have tentacles on my forehead. This is no longer a comfortable place.
I don’t know what to do. I wonder around for a while. There are a lot of different types of normal I finally realize. Wow. What’s with that? Why aren’t you all the same normal?
I start talking to you and realize that you normal people are okay. You don’t understand where I came from but I soon realize that I don’t understand where you came from either. We hang out and start sharing our differences. And I discovered differences are not bad. They are… normal.
Day after day I stay with you normals and soon I’m comfortable. I don’t fit in but that’s because I realize no one feels like they do. And that’s okay. We just learn to live together and talk about all the stuff we don’t understand. Sometimes I realize that my normal friends came from the same place I did and our friendship immediately gains a new level of understanding. But it wasn’t built on understanding our past… that understanding just made it deeper.
It’s not easy living with normals. People now think I’m one and that’s okay. A lot of times I remember living as a ‘not-normal’ and how crazy that was. But I’m becoming a better ‘me’. I found that under pretending I liked being a ‘not-normal’ there is an individual who is different then anyone else.
I would never have found this new ‘me’ if I had stayed with all the people who were like me, who understood me. I had to get out with normal people who helped me see my individuality. And where I came from doesn’t matter anymore. Sometimes I even forget being ‘not normal’ because I’m so busy being with normal people