I started this year by laying on my kitchen floor trying to feed myself frozen red raspberries at 2 am. It was not glamorous. But there was glitter involved since the dress I wore the night before left glitter everywhere I went (even in the bathroom).
Laying on the floor, trying to eat, covered in glitter… not the way I want to start something new.
You may have guessed that alcohol was involved. Thank God. Because me like that normally would not be good!! My first drink was when I was 25 and was a very dark beer. Since then I’ve let myself drink a little to much occasionally but never to the point of drunk. Tipsy? Not able to drive? Sure. But I never allowed myself to lose control.
And that’s the point. Not New Years, or glitter or alcohol. But control. I had never let myself not have control over myself. I find it both hysterically funny and terrifying that I started this year by completely losing control on purpose. I even told my husband I was going to (yes, lucky him).
I don’t plan on going through the year getting drunk just to say I don’t have control of my life. That would just be destructive and stupid.
From my journal on October 19, 2013
I don’t know where to start. It’s all confusing . I’m totally not feeling connected (to God and my true self), not feeling anything in me except me screaming for control. I want control. I want a say in my life. I WANT!!! And I know I don’t get. I don’t get to be in control or do anything. I know!
I don’t want to forgive… I don’t want to admit that I’m living in resentment and using my childhood as an excuse.
The little girl in me is screaming in pain. She’s scared, and feels alone, and hurting and wants to express that pain but doesn’t know how to because every time she’s tried to she was shut down. She wasn’t told it was okay to feel, to want things, to hurt, to say ‘I hate you!!'”
There’s a quiet voice inside me that is reminding me that this is the year I lose control. That I learn to let go. Where, like laying on the floor in the early hours of January 1, 2014, I am completely powerless to do anything for myself and must let God be everything for me.