January 21, 2014
Look! I’m singing Happy Jesus Music!
I stood in my stocking feet, shoes under the chair in front of me, hands folded under my chin as I swayed and tapped to the music.
It may have appeared that I was focused on Jesus. That I was 100% worshiping to the Happy Jesus Songs (played by the Happy Hipster Worship Band). That would be about 50% wrong.
Yes, I love my Jesus and Yes, I love singing those Happy Jesus Songs (in my just faded enough jeans and ‘Oh this old thing?’ shirt so that I’m on those fridges of hipster. Only because that rebellious streak in me can’t be like everyone else). But my heart was only about 50% focused on Jesus.
Growing up my life was about been seen and looking Good. Looks were EVERYTHING. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G!!! How can I emphasis this more? Nothing in life was so important as making sure I looked good. It was all appearances and It was vital to never let this act go.
And this weekend as I stood there my heart went from sitting in the presence of my God to wondering if I impressed people with my Super Spiritual Looks. As I realized what was happening it was depressing. ‘How could this be Dad? I want to love you and who cares about what I look like?’
I’m learning that my brain loves secrets. If things are a secret and no one knows it can torment me with lies. There is only one way to stop these self-lies. To expose them. To tell someone. My brain hates this so it always fights for itself. When it starts the rationalizing I know it’s time to shut it off and start talking.
Freedom only comes when I tell my secrets to trusted friends who hold those conversations as gifts. No matter how small just telling someone ‘I’m scared’, ‘I’m jealous’, ‘I’m angry’ or ‘I’m finding myself wanting to be noticed and get attention at church’ takes away the shame I’m owning and my ‘secret’ (no longer hidden) is released.