Hiding

 

Games are for children they say
But I play one with myself every day
I jump out of bed
See myself in the mirror
And remember that I’m not okay

So I hide. Oh I hide
From you
From them
From the world
They might see…
But mostly I hide from myself

I’m not afraid you’ll reject me
I’m not scared to be alone
Just don’t love me. Don’t hold me
Don’t show me you care.

I get up every morning in fear
That the walls in my heart might cave in
And you might really see
The pain, my agony, that I’m hiding.

If I let you in will you hurt me?
Will you laugh and mock the wounds of my past?
Will you look in my eyes – see the ones I despise
And then tell me there is no shame?

So I hide. Oh I hide
From you
From them
From the world
They might see…
But mostly I hide from myself

I’m not afraid you’ll reject me
I’m not scared to be alone
Just don’t love me. Don’t hold me
Don’t show me you care.
This hiding has felt safe for so long.

– Michelle Kohler

 

Image

If I hide then you can’t see me. You can’t see my heart. Both the pain and the delight that I don’t know how to feel. How do you feel something you know is good but is so strange and new that it feels terrifying? 

Recently I realized I’m no longer hiding my shit. That’s out there. Want to know? Just ask. 

Instead now I’m hiding that part of me that is getting that I’m so loved by God and people, I’m delighted in, I’m adored, and I feel it. And it’s such a new and scary feeling that I want to hide it (and myself). 

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About Michelle

I'm Michelle. I'm an extrovert city girl who grew up in the beautiful farm country of the East Coast and moved to Houston Texas 6 years ago. Stepping out, being known and letting myself be seen are some of the scariest and most frightening things I’ve done and that's what my blog is about. View all posts by Michelle

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