A journal entry from last weekend:
I don’t want to be open and empty and beloved. I don’t want this life. Loving people – No. Being loved. Being loved. That I don’t want.
Because… I have to accept it. Believe it. Trust that I’m not full of shit when I know I am.
I AM full of shit. And deep inside I also know I’m… loved.
Letting myself see and accept love, that I am beloved and adored means allowing the potential to be abandoned.
If I let people see my heart, if I let my guard down, if I give my heart… will I be abandoned? Like I have been so many times in the past.