This is more raw in the physical sense then I usually post but after writing it this morning I realized that I needed to share it.
Last night I got home exhausted after working 10 hours. I left my desk a mess and told my boss ‘I just want to go home!’ I got home and found the bath tub full of backwater. I ignored it and took the overflowing pile of trash out (in an RV anything overflowing is a major disaster) and started dinner. My plan was a quick dinner and bed. I haven’t gotten to bed before 11 for over 2 weeks and I’m working 55+ hours a week right now. And where was my husband????
While starting dinner I discovered there was no propane. No stove/oven. No hot showers. Well, no shower anyway because the water wasn’t draining. I NEED MY SHOWER!!
I decided not to wait (mostly to prove that I can take care of myself) so I loaded the propane tank in the car I’m using (there is a car story that will one day be told) only to find my Husband pulling in as I was leaving. So I waited. Only to find that he was on the phone. I had expectations and he didn’t meet those and I was hurt (mostly by my expectations). That drive away spinning tires thing? It’s real. It happened.
By the end of of the night I had nasty shower/drain water (thank God not black water) on me, we’d pulled a hairball from the plumbing (hello glamorous RV life!), I had bleached the tub and every sink, showered (in a clean shower), had sort of eaten dinner, and had cried because I wasn’t feeling very loved. And didn’t get to sleep till 10.
This morning I’m feeling really inadequate. I’m going ‘WHAT THE FUCK GOD!?!?!? Why did you give me such an overwhelming crappy night!!’ (blaming God really didn’t help my mood at all).
I got to my coffee shop (I’m one of those regulars who take up the same seat and throw a tantrum if someone steals mine) and read my book. It was exactly what I needed. It’s from ‘The Dance of Wounded Souls’ by Robert Burney.
This is what I read first…
The dragon inside of me is not happy right now. I’ve spent the last month learning to let myself not have power and not be in control (I thought I’d already learned about not having control. Being powerless is something totally different).
No one has the power to make me happy, or sad, or make me whole. And no one is (or can) holding me back. I am not a victim of my life, my childhood, my past, my husband, my job, my car situation, living in an RV, or all the other things I blame.
I needed to be reminded of this today as I feel stuck in my circumstance.