I decided to treat myself yesterday and make tea from a Tea Bud. Tea Buds are dried flower buds that open when placed in water. I’ve been saving them. Some since Christmas. Some for almost a year.
It got me thinking. I’ve been saving them… but why? Oh, because I save everything! I always have. Using something on myself to enjoy it is foreign to me. Enjoying it. Savoring it. Using it today.
I did this with candy as a child. I saved fun fabric when sewing instead of using it. I’ve saved food until it was bad. Tea and coffee until it was stale. Candles until they were gross. Pretty papers and stickers until I lost them.
If I use something now I won’t have it for later. This is living in the future and not in the present. It’s being not-present in my needs and wants now. It’s believing I’m not worth taking care of now – the time to spend on myself or giving myself what I want. In a huge way it’s punishing myself.;
I’m sure there was mantra that I’m worth it or some book to read about giving myself the time and space, self pamper, etc. But there isn’t really a fix for this except seeing it in myself. And seeing myself as loved.
Being Beloved is painful sometimes. I’m reminded of this tangibly right now as I’m wearing a ring that says ‘Beloved’ and it’s rubbing my finger and causing pain. Just enough to be a reminder that I’m Beloved. Even though it hurts.
And as Beloved of God I can live in the present and not punish myself.