Monthly Archives: May 2014


Sunday I ate food I know I’m allergic to. I knew when I ate it and I still did. Today I realized I subconsciously let myself. I self sabotaged.

When I was a child I learned to handle living in a very controlled environment by causing myself pain-sometimes physical and sometimes emotional. The point was to feel something. Eventually it lead to addictions that lasted many many years.

I don’t do those things anymore. Its been long road but I’m slowly finding healing from those damaging addictions.

I’ve always looked like a good girl and even now I’m still the good girl. I don’t even let myself pluck my eyebrows or wax when I’m mad or needing to release pain. Because i can’t let myself go there. To that pain.

Yet I still find ways to make myself feel miserable. I eat food I know my body can’t handle, or i attack people I love.

The first step for me is realizing it. And the second step is telling people.

If you can identify with any of this know you’re not alone. Healing from addictions and self abuse isn’t easy. Many have traveled it and many of us are on the road right now.


Response to Umbrella of Authority Post

Last week the post I wrote about the Umbrella of Authority was over on Recovering Grace.
It’s been a long year since I wrote that. Much healing has happened and I haven’t written things like that in a while mostly because i haven’t needed to. I remember my past but I also know the truth. That my childhood doesn’t define my life. I still have to feel the pain I wasn’t allowed to feel but it doesn’t determine how I respond to situations in my life now. 
Someone asked me a question over on Recovering Grace and I thought I would post my response here. 
Did your parents ever leave the ATI cult or did they shun you? Would you have any advice to offer someone like me who is cutoff from their family by legalism? Thanks!
Hi , 

I’m so glad you found freedom and I’m so sorry your family won’t have contact with you. 

The truth is I don’t know if my family is still actively in ATI (it’s not relevant in how I live my life now) but I know that my parents still believe a lot of the same things I grew up with. I do have a relationship with them and I think for the first time we see each other as mutual adults. 

The months and years following when I left were extremely difficult. I limited contact with them and got married just over a year after I left. 

Even while living with my parents I had people in my life who were parent figures. I’ve come to realize now that a huge role of parents is surrounding their kids with people they can look up to and seek advice from. Because honestly, no matter what a parent says and does they are still a parent and know nothing in their kids eyes. Having those parent figures in my life was important. 

That has transferred to other people now. I believe in having 2nd families. I’ve learned a lot about being a daughter from my 2nd parents and that has transferred to my own parents. I’m much more understanding of my Dad and Mom and can have a relationship with them now needing nothing from them. 

Many people talk about boundaries in recovery and healing. Those are vitally important but it’s also important to know that boundaries have no expectations of the other person. I am free to not answer my parents calls because of boundaries I’ve set (and I did that in the first month of leaving) but I am not free to demand they call me. I accept what they give. 

My advice to anyone is to seek your own healing. Trying to change anyone but yourself doesn’t work (if people change for you it’s not real change). Part of my healing has been separating myself from my parents and letting myself grieve (feeling deep deep pain) the childhood I never had. Another part of it has been going back and finding relationship with them. 

In May of 2013 I wrote this:
Mothers Day Letter

Last weekend I wrote this: 
Mothers Day Thoughts

The change in a year has been huge. I needed to go through the pain of remembering things about my Mom to get to this place of being in relationship with her. She had nothing to do with it and I’m sure it was really painful for her to read the letter from 2013. I had to go through that process alone (and with supportive safe people). 

I hope eventually your parents both see and delight in you as their child and see you as the adult you are.


Mother’s Day Thoughts

It’s mothers day. I’m not a Mom. But i am female. My body is female. I have all the parts that could make me a Mom. But i have no offspring. Nothing that says ‘i have used my body to produce a child’. I’m reminded of this monthly when my body cleans itself out.

I don’t think of this a lot. But today i do. All day. Friday the mail lady said ‘if you’re a Mom Happy Mothers day.’ I said ‘I’m not’ and smiled. I didn’t smile on the inside.

This morning i called my Mom to say ‘i love you’. We chatted over family gossip and out of no where she said ‘Happy Mothers Day’. With those 3 words she dissolved me to tears. It was unexpectedly one of the most meaningful things my Mom has said to me. Because she acknowledged me on her level… A woman. A Mom. Her equal.

I Love you Mom.
And Happy Mothers Day.