Sunday I ate food I know I’m allergic to. I knew when I ate it and I still did. Today I realized I subconsciously let myself. I self sabotaged.
When I was a child I learned to handle living in a very controlled environment by causing myself pain-sometimes physical and sometimes emotional. The point was to feel something. Eventually it lead to addictions that lasted many many years.
I don’t do those things anymore. Its been long road but I’m slowly finding healing from those damaging addictions.
I’ve always looked like a good girl and even now I’m still the good girl. I don’t even let myself pluck my eyebrows or wax when I’m mad or needing to release pain. Because i can’t let myself go there. To that pain.
Yet I still find ways to make myself feel miserable. I eat food I know my body can’t handle, or i attack people I love.
The first step for me is realizing it. And the second step is telling people.
If you can identify with any of this know you’re not alone. Healing from addictions and self abuse isn’t easy. Many have traveled it and many of us are on the road right now.