Monthly Archives: July 2014

Newness

In the first pages of a new journal I wrote this last night:
“In these pages are my heart. My soul. My musings. Themes. Ideas. My tears are spilled on these pages in agony.
My love poured out in words not full enough to explain the bursting in my heart.
My life is written honestly, open, vulnerable.
I offer this, myself, to these pages. Holding nothing back. Not seeking my own or myself.
The conversations on these pages are sacred. Holy. I hold them close to my heart, poured out of my soul, lifted to my God.
Held without shame. Full of grace. No fear. I stand naked before my God – my Father.”
What is your journal for you?
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The Person Inside Me

This morning I was mindlessly scrolling through facebook adding my opinion where it didn’t belong and reading linked articles. One of them got me thinking about women and the ‘get out of my way, I will do what I want, you can’t control me’ attitude. 

 
I realized (again) it’s not what I want with my life. There is a part of me that wants that yes. I want to be strong and confidant and have everyone think I’m so amazing and not weak. 
 
But I’m not. 
 
The life I’m called to is of vulnerability and looking my shit in the face. It’s painful and doesn’t make me look strong. 
 
That part of me that wants to look strong kicks at this and there is my daily struggle. To stay in the vulnerable while the strong Michelle is screaming “You got this woman!! You are female! You will rise above all these lame ideas of weakness! We are NOT weak!!”
 
But the truth… I am not superwoman. 
 
Recently I found myself wanting to find stuff to volunteer to do. Just to stay busy enough that I wouldn’t have to face my true self. 
 
Because it’s painful for my hands and brain to be stopped and let the voice of quiet Wonder and Self Awareness speak up. 
 
I said no, thankful for self awareness and choosing this path of slowing down and finding a person inside me I lost very slowly over many  many years.
 
She’s beautiful and loud and funny. Her sarcasm comes out in moments I don’t except or think appropriate. She has a tender side that holds people in pain and lets them cry on her shoulder. Her love for people is unexpected and throws the strong me into choruses of ‘this is not how it’s done!’ and ‘who do you think you are??’ 
 
The more I see of this person inside me the more I love her and welcome her into my life (against all the screaming of old me). 
 
“But you can’t get away from yourself. You can’t decide not to see yourself anymore. You can’t decide to turn off the noise in your head.” ― Jay Asher,
 
“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” ― C.G. Jung
 
“I think that we are like stars. Something happens to burst us open; but when we burst open and think we are dying; we’re actually turning into a supernova. And then when we look at ourselves again, we see that we’re suddenly more beautiful than we ever were before!” ― C. JoyBell C.
 
“We search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy’s fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, under him the whole time. Your treasure–your perfection–is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the buy commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the ego and enter into the silence of the heart.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert,

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